讓人不忍直視的搞笑英語(yǔ)翻譯
1、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
直譯：一根火柴能點(diǎn)著整片森林，一盒火柴也生不起個(gè)營(yíng)火，這咋回事!
意譯：想當(dāng)年哥戴套都能讓人懷孕，看今朝叔竟然去看男科
2、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
如果4/5的人在忍受腹瀉的痛苦，那剩下1/5咋回事?很享受嗎?
3、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
直譯：知識(shí)就是說(shuō)你知道西紅柿是一種水果;智慧就好似不要把它放進(jìn)水果沙拉里。
意譯a：知識(shí)就是告訴你說(shuō)應(yīng)該把雞蛋放進(jìn)籃子，智慧則是叫你不要把所有雞蛋都放進(jìn)一個(gè)籃子。
意譯b:所謂知識(shí)就是知道韓少和小四都屬于80后，但智慧告訴你這終還是男女有別~
4、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
上帝瞅著咱們呢，大伙好歹喜感點(diǎn)吧!
5、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
無(wú)論，在任何情況下，永遠(yuǎn)，不要在一個(gè)夜晚，同時(shí)吃，安眠藥，和通便靈。
6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
a. 早起滴小鳥有蟲蟲!晚到的老鼠有奶酪!
b. 早起的鳥兒有蟲吃，早起的蟲兒被鳥吃。
7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
在咱們這噶噠送外賣的都比警察來(lái)的快.
8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
如果對(duì)手不好使，自己的手必須好使。
9、 Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
有些人就像 Slinkies (彈簧玩具)，沒什么實(shí)在用處，但看他們?cè)跇翘萆系跪v來(lái)?yè)v騰去還是很有喜感。
10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
政客和紙尿布有一個(gè)共同點(diǎn)就是：他們都很有規(guī)律地被替換，而且因?yàn)橥粋€(gè)理由——臟了!!
11、War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)不能決出正義，但能判出哪方出局。
12、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
a. 女人的高潮可能是裝出來(lái)的。但是男人**可以整段感情都是裝出來(lái)的!
b. 女人假裝高潮以獲取真實(shí)的感情;男人假裝感情以獲取真實(shí)的高潮。
13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
我們永遠(yuǎn)不可能真正的成熟，我們只是學(xué)會(huì)在眾人面前裝逼。
14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
男人就兩種狀態(tài)：餓 和 **。 要是他不硬，就給他個(gè)三明治!
15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
光總是比聲音跑的快點(diǎn)….這就是為嘛有些SB只有在開口說(shuō)話之后你才發(fā)現(xiàn)他是在裝B…
16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
我媽每次對(duì)著我罵草泥馬的時(shí)候都沒看出其中笑點(diǎn)。
17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
曾以為我想要的是職業(yè)，結(jié)果發(fā)現(xiàn)我只是想要工資。
18、If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
你要是覺得沒人在乎你的死活,那你不妨嘗試一下跟你的債主玩躲貓貓~~
19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
XXOO并不是結(jié)論而是個(gè)問題…爽不爽才是答案…
20、Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
晚間新聞總是以“晚上好”開頭，再告訴你你為什么好不了。
21、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
開始我直接求上帝賜輛自行車。 后來(lái)我琢磨上帝辦事兒不是這個(gè)路數(shù)。 于是老子偷了一輛然后求上帝寬恕。
22、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
我希望能像爺爺那樣，安靜地在睡夢(mèng)中死去…… 而不是要像他開的車上那些慘叫滴乘客一樣死法啊!
23、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
你永遠(yuǎn)不能戰(zhàn)勝一個(gè)純SB,因?yàn)樗麜?huì)把你的智商拉到跟他個(gè)水平,然后用豐富的經(jīng)驗(yàn)打敗你
24、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
直譯：在這個(gè)世界上,我最不愿意做的事就是傷害你,但是這件事仍在我的考慮之列。
意譯a：我真不想傷害你，但你也別逼我。
意譯b：吾雖不殺伯仁，伯仁由我而死。
25、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
a. 如覺嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操錯(cuò)洞…
b. 若XXOO是下體的痛，那么，是你操錯(cuò)。
26、I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
老子拼死拼活?yuàn)^斗到食物鏈頂端，不是為了成為一個(gè)素食者。
27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
公車站呀公車停。火車站呀火車停。俺桌上有個(gè)工作站…
28、If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
要是我聽你的，咱倆就都2B了。
29、 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
海豚可聰明了你知道不?只要馴養(yǎng)幾個(gè)星期，它們就能讓人類乖乖站在池邊給它們?nèi)郁~吃了。
30、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
a. 下棋，我不行;玩跆拳道，電腦不行!
b. 下象棋電腦把我玩得團(tuán)團(tuán)轉(zhuǎn)，拳擊我能把機(jī)箱踹得七零八散!
31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
瞅見個(gè)姐姐，胸前衣服上寫著“Guess”…俺就問了一句：“…隆過?”
32、 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
孩子就是：你先花2年，教丫們走路和說(shuō)話。然后你再花16年教丫們坐定和閉嘴。
33、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
為什么當(dāng)你說(shuō)天上有400億星星時(shí)他不懷疑，卻偏要檢查你所說(shuō)的“油漆未干”?
34、Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
a. 寧愿閉嘴當(dāng)傻瓜，也別學(xué)烏鴉亂呱呱。
b. 越解釋越SB，不說(shuō)話最NB。
c. 剽悍的人生不需要解釋
d. 寧可閉口被人當(dāng)SB，也不張口解釋所有疑。
35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
銀行就是當(dāng)你證明了你不需要錢的時(shí)候可以借錢給你的地方
36、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
a.對(duì)你的問題哈哈大笑吧，別人都在這么做。
b. 你有什么不開心的?說(shuō)出來(lái)給大家開心開心。
37、The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
a. 我知道沒人在我腦子里跟我聊天，但那些話真TM有用!
意譯：我幻想的低吟不一定是真的，但足夠讓我意淫
38、A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
a. 無(wú)愧于心哈?記性不好吧?
意譯b： 自從那次在人妖身邊醒來(lái)，每次去夜店我都提醒自己“一定要戴眼鏡……”
c. 意識(shí)清醒了，意味著不堪回首了。
39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
a. 所謂的好姑娘，咳!就是還沒被群眾抓到的JP女·····
b. 想立牌坊就得會(huì)裝
40、He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
臨危忽然微笑的那誰(shuí)，定是找到替罪羊鳥~
41、 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
如果女人能做到以禿頂和啤酒肚在大街上晃還覺得自己倍兒性感——此時(shí)估計(jì)男女能平等。
42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
小腿上的骨頭——在黑房間里找準(zhǔn)家具位置的好裝備。
43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
圣誕老人當(dāng)然美，他知道所有YD妞住哪兒啊!
44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
剽竊一個(gè)人的叫剽竊，剽竊許多人的叫研究。
意譯：竊鉤者誅，竊國(guó)者為諸侯。
45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
有些人一來(lái)大家就開心了;有些人一走大家就開心了。.
46、 I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
我發(fā)現(xiàn)，我滴腳丫被一小片兒海藻擦過時(shí)，我滴那個(gè)慘叫聲——和我被大白鯊嚇壞時(shí)的慘叫聲是一樣滴。
47、Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
直譯：你若是擠滿人的電梯里的小矮人，肯定能嗅出不同的味兒。
意譯：靈感來(lái)自于所站的角度與眾不同。
48、I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
我可沒怨你!我是在譴責(zé)你!
49、 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
當(dāng)我填表的時(shí)候，有一項(xiàng)是“緊急情況聯(lián)系：” 我填上了“醫(yī)生”，到時(shí)候我媽能幫上什么忙?!
50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
上帝一定倍兒愛SB，不然他造這么多!!!!!!!
51、Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
每一個(gè)成功的男人背后都有一個(gè)女人。每一個(gè)翻了船的成功男人背后往往是另一個(gè)女人。
52、I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
生活對(duì)于我來(lái)說(shuō)是小菜一碟，我通常就著鹽和檸檬，再來(lái)一小杯烈性酒。
意譯a：生活，是一團(tuán)麻……繩，……再加一根蠟燭……一柄皮鞭。
意譯b: 生活，不就是先狂吃菜，然后把烈性白酒一飲而盡?
53、The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
直譯：小孩子要中間名，純粹是為了讓他知道他啥時(shí)候真的有麻煩了。
直譯a：起個(gè)全名就為了揍孩子前可以底氣十足地喊出來(lái)。
意譯b：賈君鵬這名字就為了讓他媽喊他回家吃飯!
54、It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
跳樓的時(shí)候，“啊——”的時(shí)候還沒死，“啪!”那才是死了。
55、Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
人工智能從來(lái)敵不過天然請(qǐng)勿使用不良詞語(yǔ)。
56、Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
直譯：不要用眼鏡腿來(lái)打男人，用棒球擊桿。
意譯: 要下手就得狠，甭來(lái)毛毛雨。
57、There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
直譯：要想留住誰(shuí)，在抱摔的時(shí)候有一條細(xì)線區(qū)分出你是否為高手。
其他譯法：抱摔是留不住女人的，摟抱才管用。/抱和爆是有區(qū)別的。 /推倒和擁抱是有微妙的區(qū)別的喲!/擁抱和柔道里的壓制是有區(qū)別的!
58、A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
所謂砍價(jià)，就是這東西雖然你不需要，但價(jià)格太好必須要買下來(lái)!
59、Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
絕對(duì)不要和長(zhǎng)得丑的爭(zhēng)執(zhí)，他們已經(jīng)沒什么可輸?shù)牧恕?/p>
60、My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
我的觀點(diǎn)或許改變了，但我是正確的這一事實(shí)卻亙古不變。
意譯：我們要搞共產(chǎn)主義，也要搞有中國(guó)特色的社會(huì)主義。
61、My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
心理醫(yī)師：你神經(jīng)病!!! 我：能說(shuō)點(diǎn)別的嗎?
心理醫(yī)師：好!!而且你真TM丑!!!
62、 A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
一單純傻兒子問他爹：“爸，結(jié)婚到底要花多少錢啊?”他爸說(shuō)：“兒啊，我真不知道…沒看見我還在交錢嗎?”
63、 Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
有人說(shuō)“打不過，就合作”。我說(shuō)“打不過，也要打”。因?yàn)檠緜冎竿慵尤耄脕?lái)點(diǎn)驚喜~!
64、When in doubt, mumble.
腦子不好使的話，你就嘟囔。
不明白的話，哼哼試試。
65、I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
我已決定長(zhǎng)生不老，目前為止，感覺良好。
66、Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were
好客就是：讓客人覺得他們像在他們家一樣，盡管你真的希望他們滾回他們家。
67、If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
跳傘是這樣一種運(yùn)動(dòng)：不成功則成仁!
68、A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
電視侮辱你的智商，電腦則是吐你槽的終極存在!
69、Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
知識(shí)就是力量，力量會(huì)邪惡化。那么就好好學(xué)習(xí)當(dāng)大魔王吧!
70、Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
錢買不來(lái)幸福，但有了它，痛苦的日子會(huì)好熬一點(diǎn)。
71、Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
跟悲觀主義者借錢吧!他反正不指望你還!!!
72、Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
擔(dān)憂真的好使!!老子擔(dān)心的事兒90%都沒發(fā)生!!
73、Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
貞操如泡影，一戳無(wú)蹤影。
74、Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
這年頭，連懷舊都不如從前夠味兒了。
75、With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
只要主義真，豬也成超人。
信春哥 ，得永生
76、I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
我早就該知道我跟我EX沒戲!歸根結(jié)底，我是天枰她是JP!
77、Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
豪馬克卡上的話：沒有你我痛苦萬(wàn)分，正如你就在此處。(沒有女人冷冷清清，有了女人雞犬不寧)
78、You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
越活越2~ /活到老,2到老
79、A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
直譯：外交家們說(shuō)讓你下地獄的時(shí)候，措辭也好像你正巴不得來(lái)這么趟旅行。
80、 I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
我和個(gè)壯漢鬧急了。 他：老子非得用你丫臉把地給擦了!!! 我：你會(huì)后悔的!! 他：噢?真噠?怎么講?我：呃，邊邊角角的地方你擦不到!!!
81、Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
有些人吹牛說(shuō)丫能通靈，有些人吹牛說(shuō)丫有陰陽(yáng)眼，其他人只是沒有這種想象力而已
82、I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
啊我好愛好愛工作啊~ 工作讓我好著迷啊~我**死盯著它幾個(gè)小時(shí)了啊!
83、We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
槍支管理不是問題，SB管理才是問題
84、Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
女人或許擊得并不重，但她們擊得更低…..
女人總是能擊中男人的要害。
85、Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
直譯：記著吧……世界要不惡心，我們?cè)绫煌碌袅恕?/p>
別抱怨了，這個(gè)世界要是真和諧了，我們這種人就不應(yīng)該存在~
意譯：你們**給我記?。簺]有和諧社會(huì)，你們?cè)缱屆赖蹏?guó)主義給糟蹋了!
86、Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
上帝蜀黍疼你，只是大家都覺得你2B而已
87、I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
a. 過去老子左右為難。現(xiàn)在老子優(yōu)柔寡斷。
b. 我曾是個(gè)懷疑論者，現(xiàn)在我很懷疑這一點(diǎn)。
c. 過去我難以決斷，現(xiàn)在我不大確信是否還是如此。
88、I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
老子打死都不信流血5天還不掛的物種。/老子打死都不信娘們兒。
89、If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
直譯：如果你始終腳踏實(shí)地，那就別想穿褲子了。
意譯：人太老實(shí)沒法活。
90、To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
別人是指哪兒打哪兒，我是打哪兒指哪兒。
91、 You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
好吧，既然這艘船要沉了，救生衣又只有一件，我就勉為其難的虛偽一下，你對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)實(shí)在是不能再好的朋友了…我一定會(huì)經(jīng)常想念你滴~!!!
92、Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
站在車庫(kù)的你并不會(huì)變成一輛車是吧?所以站在教堂的你也不會(huì)變成
_
93、Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
世界總是在變，但我卻怎么也便不出來(lái)。
意譯：人生何處不杯具，唯有面對(duì)飲水機(jī)。
94、If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
假設(shè)我們會(huì)吃一塹，長(zhǎng)一智，為什么總有人生了一個(gè)還會(huì)生?
95、A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
公車總在被追趕的時(shí)候的速度要比你在里面時(shí)的速度快兩倍。
一旦你在公車后面追，它的速度就會(huì)變得比你在里面所感覺得快。
96、Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.
發(fā)明“鼠動(dòng)無(wú)聲”這詞兒的哥們一定沒踩上過一只。
97、You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
過了河也別拆橋，沒準(zhǔn)你還要回來(lái)呢。
98、The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
口腔體溫計(jì)和菊花體溫計(jì)有啥不同?嘗嘗看就知道了
99、When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
以暴治暴，不如以抱治爆。
100、Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
直譯：記著，如果你在嘿咻后冒煙了，證明你整得太快了。