雙語閱讀：沉默對(duì)待將使感情消磨殆盡
Silence may be golden, but “the silent treatment” can ruin a relationship, according to a recent study, the online magazine Salon reported.
美國《沙龍》網(wǎng)絡(luò)雜志指出：“沉默是金”的道理沒錯(cuò)，但是“沉默對(duì)待”卻能毀了一段感情。
The silent treatment is one of the most common forms of conflict within a relationship, especially a romantic one. Researchers call it the “demand-withdraw” pattern. It happens when one partner repeatedly approaches the other with a request, whether asking for attention or change — or criticism, but is met with avoidance or silence.
在一段關(guān)系，尤其是愛情關(guān)系中，沉默對(duì)待是最常見的感情沖突之一。研究者將其稱為“要求/退縮溝通”模式。在這種模式下，一方不斷提出要求，尋求注意或是希望另一方做出改變，而另一方則沉默或回避。
Frustrated by the lack of response, the person who made the demands makes more. The person who withdrew retreats further — initiating a vicious cycle.
由于缺乏反饋，于是提要求的一方變本加厲，而退縮的一方則愈發(fā)回避，從而形成惡性循環(huán)。
According to Paul Schrodt, professor of communication studies at Texas Christian University, in the US, engaging in the silent treatment can kill romance.
在美國德克薩斯____大學(xué)從事溝通研究的保羅•施羅特認(rèn)為，沉默對(duì)待將使感情消磨殆盡。
Schrodt is the head of a meta-analysis of 74 studies including more than 14,000 participants. The study found the demand-withdraw pattern to be one of the most damaging types of relationship conflict and one of the hardest patterns to break.
施羅特領(lǐng)導(dǎo)的一項(xiàng)對(duì)14000多名參與者、涉及74個(gè)研究的元分析顯示，要求/退縮模式是傷害最大的感情沖突之一，也是最難打破僵局的沖突之一。
“Partners get locked in this pattern largely because they each see the other as the cause,” Schrodt was quoted as saying in ScienceDaily.com. “Both partners see the other as the problem.”
正如施羅特在每日科學(xué)網(wǎng)站所言，“這種模式下，沖突雙方很容易陷入僵局，因?yàn)樗麄兌加X得是對(duì)方引起了事端，認(rèn)為問題出在對(duì)方身上?！?/p>
To break the vicious cycle, Schrodt says each partner has to become aware that they are engaging in the silent treatment. They need to know their role in it and the other partner’s point of view. The person making demands usually feels abandoned; the silent person is protecting himself. Each needs to ask, “Why am I behaving this way? How does my behavior make my partner feel?”
他說，要想打破這種惡性循環(huán)，沖突雙方必須意識(shí)到自己正處在“沉默對(duì)待”之中。他們應(yīng)知自己所扮演的角色和對(duì)方的想法。提要求的一方總有被拋棄之感，而沉默的一方則覺得一直在自我保護(hù)。他們雙方都應(yīng)問問自己：“我為何會(huì)如此表現(xiàn)?我的行為又會(huì)讓對(duì)方有何感受?”
Opening up
打破僵局
Schrodt suggests talking with your partner about the demand-withdraw pattern and your own part in it. Then trying to stop yourself next time you start to engage in it.
施羅特的建議是：與對(duì)方談?wù)劇耙?退縮模式”，以及你在其中扮演的角色，并在下一次陷入此種模式之前，及時(shí)懸崖勒馬。
A Wall Street Journal column talked to other experts about how to break the silent treatment cycle.
在《華爾街日?qǐng)?bào)》的一篇專欄文章中，其他專家就打破“沉默對(duì)待”模式也提出了自己的建議。
Diana Weiss-Wisdom, a psychologist based in California, advises that partners take a break.
美國加利福尼亞州的心理學(xué)家戴安娜•維斯•威茲德姆建議沖突雙方應(yīng)先冷靜一下。
“People have to be calm enough to listen to each other,” she says: “Cool your jets, and come back together at a specified time to talk about the feelings underlying the conflict before you try to solve anything.”
她說：“人們只有在冷靜之時(shí)才能聽進(jìn)對(duì)方所說，所以，先冷靜下，選個(gè)具體的時(shí)間點(diǎn)先一起說說沖突時(shí)的感受，再試著解決問題?！?/p>
If your demands and requests are being ignored, you’ll need to give your partner space. Try to engage his or her empathy. “The only way to do this is to use the word ‘I’,” says Fran Walfish, another Californian psychotherapist. Say: “This is how I feel when you pull away.” But be careful to avoid labels such as “selfish”, “rude” and “uncaring”.
同樣來自加州的心理學(xué)家弗蘭•沃爾費(fèi)什則建議：如果你的要求總是被忽視，那么你需要給對(duì)方一些空間，試著引起他/她的同情。而這樣做的唯一方法就是用“我”打頭的句子，對(duì)他/她說，“我被你決絕時(shí)就是這樣的感受”。但是，要慎用一些標(biāo)簽性的詞語，比如“自私、粗魯、漠不關(guān)心”等。
If you are the one who withdraws, acknowledge your need to pull away, and tell your partner that you need space. “At least the other person won’t feel shut out,” says Warren Kennaugh, a behavioral scientist based in Sydney, Australia. “It’s the non-explanation that drives them to a high level of discomfort.” Try to approach your partner more. “Be courageous about how you feel,” Kennaugh says.
來自悉尼的行為學(xué)家沃倫•肯諾的建議是：如果你是退縮的一方，那么你需要承認(rèn)自己在逃避，同時(shí)告訴對(duì)方你需要空間。至少讓對(duì)方不再感到被拒絕，因?yàn)椴唤忉屚鶗?huì)讓對(duì)方更難過。試著接近對(duì)方，勇敢地告訴他/她你的感受?！?/p>