簡(jiǎn)單英語(yǔ)冷笑話

簡(jiǎn)單英語(yǔ)冷笑話

　　下面是學(xué)習(xí)啦小編整理的簡(jiǎn)單英語(yǔ)冷笑話，希望大家會(huì)喜歡!

　　簡(jiǎn)單英語(yǔ)冷笑話：輕率的插話

　　The fine-furniture store where I work has been in business since the 1920s. Recently I received a call from a woman who wanted to replace some chairs from a dining set purchased from us in the 1930s. I assured her we could help and sought the assistance of the office manager. "You'll never believe this one, " I told him." I just got a call from a customer who bought some chairs from us in the 1930s. " Before I could finish repeating her request, he interrupted and said, "Don't tell me she hasn't received them yet!"

　　我所工作的精品家具商店是從20世紀(jì)二十年代以來(lái)就營(yíng)業(yè)的。最近我接到一個(gè)婦女的電話。她想換一套餐具中的一些椅子。這套餐具她是在三十年代從我們這兒買(mǎi)的。我向她保證說(shuō)我們可以幫她的忙，于是我向部門(mén)經(jīng)理尋求幫助。“你永遠(yuǎn)也不會(huì)相信，”我對(duì)他說(shuō)，“我剛接到一個(gè)顧客的電話，她在三十年代從我們這里買(mǎi)了一些椅子。” 我還沒(méi)來(lái)得及說(shuō)她的要求，經(jīng)理就打斷了我的話：“你別告訴我她到現(xiàn)在還沒(méi)收到貨!”

　　簡(jiǎn)單英語(yǔ)冷笑話：他什么都沒(méi)聽(tīng)到

　　Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?" "I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!" After apologizing, I got her parcel. "Oh, good," she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages." "What is it?" I asked. "My husband's new hearing aid."

　　我在郵局上班，對(duì)于顧客們的各種情緒早已習(xí)以為常了。所以，有一天當(dāng)一個(gè)生氣的顧客氣沖沖地來(lái)到我的工作臺(tái)時(shí)，我還是非常平靜地問(wèn)她，“有什么問(wèn)題嗎?”“我早上上街了，”女顧客說(shuō)，“我回到家的時(shí)候，我看到一個(gè)卡片，卡片說(shuō)郵遞員要給我們家送包裹，但沒(méi)人在家?？墒俏业恼煞蛘麄€(gè)早上都在家啊。他說(shuō)他什么都沒(méi)聽(tīng)到”。在表示了歉意之后，我把包裹給了她。“噢，太好了”，那位女顧客喜形于色。“我們等這東西都等多少年了!”“是什么好東西?”我問(wèn)。“我丈夫的新助聽(tīng)器”。

　　簡(jiǎn)單英語(yǔ)冷笑話：他什么都沒(méi)聽(tīng)到

　　Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?" "I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!" After apologizing, I got her parcel. "Oh, good," she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages." "What is it?" I asked. "My husband's new hearing aid."

　　我在郵局上班，對(duì)于顧客們的各種情緒早已習(xí)以為常了。所以，有一天當(dāng)一個(gè)生氣的顧客氣沖沖地來(lái)到我的工作臺(tái)時(shí)，我還是非常平靜地問(wèn)她，“有什么問(wèn)題嗎?”“我早上上街了，”女顧客說(shuō)，“我回到家的時(shí)候，我看到一個(gè)卡片，卡片說(shuō)郵遞員要給我們家送包裹，但沒(méi)人在家。可是我的丈夫整個(gè)早上都在家啊。他說(shuō)他什么都沒(méi)聽(tīng)到”。在表示了歉意之后，我把包裹給了她。“噢，太好了”，那位女顧客喜形于色。“我們等這東西都等多少年了!”“是什么好東西?”我問(wèn)。“我丈夫的新助聽(tīng)器”。

　　簡(jiǎn)單英語(yǔ)冷笑話：有效

　　Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor, the doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

　　湯姆早上老起不來(lái)，所以上班總是遲到。他的老板非常生氣，警告他如果他不能有所改善的話就炒他的魷魚(yú)。于是，湯姆去看醫(yī)生，醫(yī)生給了他一顆藥丸并告訴他要在睡覺(jué)前服下這顆藥。湯姆照醫(yī)生的話做了，睡得非常之好，事實(shí)上，他在早上鬧鐘響之前就起來(lái)了。湯姆從容不迫地吃完早餐，然后興高采烈地開(kāi)車(chē)上班去了。 “老板”，湯姆說(shuō)，“那藥真管用，我的睡眠好極了!” “是夠管用的，”老板說(shuō)，“問(wèn)題是，昨天你人哪去了”?

　　簡(jiǎn)單英語(yǔ)冷笑話：她懷孕了嗎?

　　A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new doctors ... but after 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

　　有個(gè)婦女去看病，為她診治的是一名年輕的醫(yī)生。檢查進(jìn)行了大約四分鐘，她哭著跑了出去，在走廊里面一邊跑一邊大叫著。一位老醫(yī)生攔住了她，問(wèn)她發(fā)生了什么事，婦女告訴了他事情的經(jīng)過(guò)。聽(tīng)她說(shuō)完，老醫(yī)生讓她坐在另一間屋子里放松一下，他自己穿過(guò)走廊來(lái)到新醫(yī)生的辦公室：“你是怎么搞的?特里太太今年63歲，她的四個(gè)孩子都成年了，還有7個(gè)孫子孫女，可是你居然對(duì)她說(shuō)她懷孕了?”新醫(yī)生繼續(xù)做著他的紀(jì)錄，眼皮都沒(méi)抬一下：“她現(xiàn)在還打嗝嗎?”

　　簡(jiǎn)單英語(yǔ)冷笑話：代課教師

　　A substitute teacher was trying to make use of her psychology background. She began her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, please stand up." Right away, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Why do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "I don’t, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

　　代課教師試圖運(yùn)用她的心理學(xué)知識(shí)。開(kāi)始上課時(shí)，她說(shuō)：“誰(shuí)覺(jué)得自己很愚蠢，請(qǐng)站起來(lái)。”小約翰馬上站起來(lái)了。老師問(wèn)：“為什么你覺(jué)得你很愚蠢呢，小約翰?”“我不覺(jué)得我很蠢，只是我不愿意你一個(gè)人站在那!”

　　簡(jiǎn)單英語(yǔ)冷笑話：小心有狗!

　　As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner. "Yep, that's him," came the reply. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"

　　一名陌生人走進(jìn)一家鄉(xiāng)間小商店，看到玻璃門(mén)上帖著的一個(gè)告示牌上寫(xiě)著，“危險(xiǎn)! 小心有狗!” 進(jìn)去后，他看到一條樣子一點(diǎn)都不兇的老狗趴在收款機(jī)旁邊的地板上睡覺(jué)。 “這就是大伙都得留神的那只狗啊?” 陌生人問(wèn)店主。“是，就是他”，店主回答。 聽(tīng)到這個(gè)回答， 陌生人覺(jué)得很好笑。“我覺(jué)得那條狗一點(diǎn)都不可怕。 你帖那個(gè)告示做什么?” “因?yàn)椋?rdquo; 店主解釋說(shuō)，“在我帖告示之前， 大伙老被他絆倒。”

　　簡(jiǎn)單英語(yǔ)冷笑話：在天堂結(jié)婚

　　A young couple was on their way to get married when they had an accident and died. Now they were in front of St. Peter and the young lady asked if they could get married. St. Peter told them, he would have to get back to them with an answer. Around 30 days later St. Peter returns and tells the couple that they can get married in heaven. The young lady then asks St. Peter, “If things just don't work out can we get a divorce?" St. Peter looks at her and replies, " Lady it took me 30 days to find a preacher up here do you really think I am going to find a lawyer?!!"

　　一對(duì)年輕的夫婦在去結(jié)婚的路上出了車(chē)禍，雙雙死去了。于是，他們來(lái)到了圣徒彼得面前，妻子問(wèn)是否她還可以和丈夫結(jié)婚，圣徒彼得告訴他們，關(guān)于這個(gè)問(wèn)題他一有了結(jié)果就會(huì)回來(lái)找他們。差不多30天以后，圣徒彼得回來(lái)了，并且告訴他們可以在天堂結(jié)婚。妻子又問(wèn)：“如果生活的不愉快，我們可不可以離婚呢?”圣徒彼得看著她，回答說(shuō)：“夫人，我花了30天才找到個(gè)傳教士，難道你真的希望我再去找個(gè)律師嗎?”

　　簡(jiǎn)單英語(yǔ)冷笑話：點(diǎn)名

　　On my first day of classes at my university I took a front-row seat in my literature course. The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose. Then he ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book and began, "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..." I was working feverishly to get down all the names when I felt a tap on my shoulder. The student in back of me whispered, "He's taking attendance."

　　大學(xué)的第一天，文學(xué)課我坐在了前排。教授告訴我們這學(xué)期必須得讀五本書(shū)，他提供我們可供選擇的作者名單。隨后他緩步走上講臺(tái)，拿出課本，“貝克、布萊克、布魯斯、卡特、庫(kù)克…”為了寫(xiě)下所有的名字，我不得不瘋狂的作著記錄。這時(shí)有人輕輕的拍我肩膀，坐在我后面的學(xué)生悄悄告訴我：“他在點(diǎn)名呢。”

　　簡(jiǎn)單英語(yǔ)冷笑話：最希望得到的簽名

　　Our university newspaper runs a weekly question feature. Recently, the question was: "Whose autograph would you most want to have, and why?" As expected, most responses mentioned music or sports stars, or politicians. The best response came from a freshman, who said, "The person who signs my diploma."

　　我們大學(xué)的校報(bào)開(kāi)辦了一個(gè)每周一問(wèn)的專(zhuān)欄。上周的問(wèn)題是：“你最想要什么人的簽名?為什么?”和預(yù)計(jì)的一樣，大部分的回答都是歌星、體育明星或者政治家。但是，最優(yōu)秀的答案來(lái)自一個(gè)一年級(jí)新生，他說(shuō)：“在我畢業(yè)證上簽字的那個(gè)人。”

　　簡(jiǎn)單英語(yǔ)冷笑話：動(dòng)機(jī)

　　My English professor once launched into a lecture on "motivation." "What pushes you ahead?" he asked. "What is it that makes you go to school each day? What driving force makes you strive to accomplish?" Turning suddenly to one young woman, he demanded: "What makes you get out of bed in the morning?" The student replied: "My mother."

　　我們英文課的教授有一次在課上講“動(dòng)機(jī)”。“是什么推動(dòng)你在人生的路上向前走?”他問(wèn)道，“是什么讓你每天上學(xué)來(lái)?又是什么驅(qū)使你追求成功?”沖著一個(gè)女學(xué)生，他問(wèn)：“是什么讓你早晨從床上爬起來(lái)的呢?”學(xué)生答道：“我媽媽。”

　　簡(jiǎn)單英語(yǔ)冷笑話：班級(jí)、情人和蠢驢

　　Professor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day, so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: "Professor Tom will meet the class tomorrow." A student, seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice, walked up and erased the "c" in the word "class." The Professor noticing the laughter, wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the "c" erased--calmly walked up and erased the "l" in "lass", looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way.

　　湯姆教授打算第二天與他的學(xué)生見(jiàn)面，因此他在黑板上寫(xiě)道：“湯姆教授明天將和大家見(jiàn)面”。一位學(xué)生看到這條通知后，覺(jué)得展示自己幽默感的機(jī)會(huì)來(lái)了，就走上前，將“class”中的“c”擦掉，教授聽(tīng)到笑聲，轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)身走回來(lái)，看了看那位學(xué)生，又看看被改動(dòng)過(guò)的通知，不動(dòng)聲色地走上前，把“lass” 中的“l”擦掉，看了看那位目瞪口呆的學(xué)生，教授揚(yáng)長(zhǎng)而去。