夫妻之間該不該有所隱瞞（雙語(yǔ)）

夫妻之間該不該有所隱瞞（雙語(yǔ)）

　　摘要:該項(xiàng)研究的首席研究員、伊利諾伊大學(xué)香檳分校(University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign)的傳播學(xué)教授約翰-考林(John Caughlin)說(shuō)：“當(dāng)人們公然對(duì)某件事撒謊時(shí)，他們會(huì)將原本并不嚴(yán)重的事情變成一個(gè)大問(wèn)題。”專家稱，性別不是決定因素──男性和女性都會(huì)隱瞞信息。那么,夫妻該不該有所隱瞞?

　　In 47 years of marriage, there are a few things Sherri Mills hasn't told her husband, Gerald, such as what she really spends on makeup. Or how she indulges the kids.

　　But these things don't compare with what Ms. Mills calls the 'one real whopper of omission' in her relationship with her husband. It involved her ex-boyfriend, Jim.

　　結(jié)婚47年來(lái)，謝莉-米爾斯(Sherri Mills)有幾件事沒(méi)有告訴她的丈夫杰拉爾德-米爾斯(Gerald Mills)，比如她真正花在化妝上的時(shí)間，比如她有多溺愛(ài)孩子。

　　但這些事情都無(wú)法與謝莉?qū)φ煞螂[瞞的“一個(gè)驚天秘密”相比。這個(gè)秘密涉及到她的前男友吉姆(Jim)。

　　In the early years of her marriage, living in the small town of Helper, Utah, Ms. Mills would sometimes run into Jim and his family, with whom she had once been close. Knowing her husband was prone to be jealous and hot-tempered, Ms. Mills would try to avoid her ex-boyfriend or, if that failed, then say as little as possible to him. She knew her husband was suspicious that she might still have feelings for her old flame.

　　謝莉剛結(jié)婚時(shí)，住在猶他州的小鎮(zhèn)赫爾普(Helper)。她有時(shí)會(huì)遇到吉姆和他的家人，她曾經(jīng)與他們關(guān)系很親密。謝莉知道她的丈夫容易吃醋，脾氣暴躁，因此努力避免提到前男友，如果非得提不可，也盡可能地少提。她知道，丈夫懷疑她對(duì)舊情人還有感覺(jué)。

　　Then Ms. Mills learned that Jim's mother was seriously ill and wanted to see her. Ms. Mills went to the hospital, where the woman made a deathbed request: Would Ms. Mills speak with Jim and encourage him to sell the family-owned business (a bar, then known in Utah as a club) and strive for a more-settled life? The woman believed Jim still loved his ex-girlfriend and would listen.

　　后來(lái)，謝莉知道吉姆的母親病重，想見(jiàn)見(jiàn)她。謝莉去了醫(yī)院，吉姆的母親臨終前向她提出一個(gè)請(qǐng)求：謝莉能否與吉姆談?wù)?，鼓?lì)他賣掉家族企業(yè)(一家酒吧，當(dāng)時(shí)在猶他州被稱為俱樂(lè)部)，尋求更安定的生活?吉姆的母親相信吉姆仍愛(ài)著這位前女友，并且會(huì)聽(tīng)她的勸告。

　　Ms. Mills decided to try to help, yet she knew she couldn't tell her husband. She made plans see Jim at his sister's house, and brought her toddler son along to make sure the ex wouldn't misunderstand. She stayed 20 minutes, then went home and didn't tell her husband about the meeting for 40 years. 'It kind of ate at me, ' says Ms. Mills . 'But I knew I did the right thing.'

　　謝莉決定盡力幫忙，但她知道她不能告訴丈夫。她決定在吉姆姐姐的家里與吉姆見(jiàn)面，并帶上了自己蹣跚學(xué)步的兒子，以確保前男友不會(huì)誤會(huì)。她在那兒待了20分鐘，然后就回家了。40年來(lái)她都沒(méi)有告訴丈夫這次見(jiàn)面。謝莉說(shuō)：“這讓我寢食難安。但我知道我做的是對(duì)的。”

　　If you think this evasion sounds a lot like lying, you are right. But there are other names for the seemingly harmless lies spouses and romantic partners sometimes tell each other.

　　如果你認(rèn)為這種逃避聽(tīng)起來(lái)很像說(shuō)謊，那么你對(duì)了。但有一些其他的詞可以用來(lái)形容夫妻和情侶之間說(shuō)的這種看似無(wú)害的說(shuō)謊。

　　Hiding worries or concerns to shield your partner from something unpleasant, or even just to keep the peace? Researchers call this 'protective buffering.' Hiding something to protect yourself, such as how much you spent on your new toy? Researchers call that avoidance. Routine buffering can turn into avoidance or something worse.

　　掩飾自己的煩惱或擔(dān)憂，不讓伴侶知道會(huì)讓他們不快的事，或者只是為了保持和平?研究人員稱這為“保護(hù)性緩沖”。研究人員稱隱瞞某件事以保護(hù)自己──例如你花多少錢買的新玩具──為逃避。經(jīng)常性的緩沖可以轉(zhuǎn)變?yōu)樘颖埽踔粮愕那闆r。

　　Couples often wrongly assume full disclosure is always best, says Sean Horan, a professor of relational communication at DePaul University in Chicago. But even avoidance, when not excessive, can be a 'productive strategy, ' he says. Consider how you'd feel if your partner told you any or all of these:

　　芝加哥德保羅大學(xué)(DePaul University)的人際交流學(xué)教授肖恩-霍蘭(Sean Horan)說(shuō)，夫妻經(jīng)常錯(cuò)誤地認(rèn)為毫無(wú)保留總是最好的。但他說(shuō)，當(dāng)把握好分寸時(shí)，即使逃避也可能是一個(gè)“有效的策略”。想想看，如果你的伴侶告訴你下面這些話，你會(huì)作何感想：

　　'I left work early for a drink with that friend you hate.'

　　“我提早下班是為了和你討厭的那個(gè)朋友一起喝酒。”

　　'I can't stand your brother.'

　　“我受不了你弟弟。”

　　'Yes, those jeans make you look fat.'

　　“沒(méi)錯(cuò)，你穿這條牛仔褲顯胖。”

　　Often the more open partners are with each other, the less happy they are, says Marianne Dainton, a professor at La Salle University, in Philadelphia, whose research focuses on communication in personal relationships. In dozens of studies over the past 20 years, Dr. Dainton has found people often say sharing too much is a source of relationship dissatisfaction.

　　費(fèi)城拉塞爾大學(xué)(La Salle University)的瑪麗安娜-丹頓(Marianne Dainton)教授說(shuō)，通常伴侶對(duì)彼此越坦誠(chéng)，他們就越不快樂(lè)。她的研究重點(diǎn)是人際交流。在過(guò)去20年的幾十項(xiàng)研究中，丹頓博士發(fā)現(xiàn)，人們經(jīng)常說(shuō)，過(guò)多地分享自己的想法是造成他們對(duì)婚姻關(guān)系不滿的原因之一。

　　Does being open lead to dissatisfaction? Or are dissatisfied people more likely to be open? Dr. Dainton says she doesn't know.

　　坦誠(chéng)相對(duì)會(huì)導(dǎo)致對(duì)婚姻關(guān)系的不滿嗎?還是說(shuō)對(duì)婚姻關(guān)系不滿的人更可能坦誠(chéng)相對(duì)?丹頓博士說(shuō)她無(wú)從得知。

　　Avoiding a topic so as to avoid a fight is often good, Dr. Dainton says. But avoiding topics like financial mismanagement or addiction isn't protective buffering. It's selfish. And as for the biggest lie of all, marital infidelity -- whether to tell or not is an important question, but not the primary one a person will need to address if unfaithful to a spouse, therapists say.

　　丹頓博士說(shuō)，避免談?wù)撃硞€(gè)問(wèn)題以避免吵架通常是好的做法。但避免談?wù)撠?cái)務(wù)管理不善或毒癮等問(wèn)題則不是保護(hù)性緩沖，而是自私。至于最大的謊言──婚姻不忠──不論說(shuō)與不說(shuō)都是一個(gè)重要問(wèn)題，但治療師稱，對(duì)配偶不忠不是人們需要強(qiáng)調(diào)的最主要的問(wèn)題。

　　Experts suggest a cost-benefit analysis. Will the information be more harmful to the relationship if disclosed up front, or discovered later? Consider disclosing if withholding gets in the way of intimacy, experts say. But if it will only hurt your partner, then don't tell.

　　專家建議進(jìn)行成本效益分析：提前坦白還是拖后坦白對(duì)婚姻關(guān)系更有害?專家說(shuō)，如果隱瞞信息會(huì)妨礙親密度，那么就應(yīng)該考慮坦誠(chéng)相告。但是如果這樣做只會(huì)傷害你的伴侶，那么就不要說(shuō)。

　　It isn't necessary to mention the crush you have on your co-worker. 'Thought broadcasting is never a good thing, ' says Toni Coleman, a McLean, Va., licensed clinical social worker and relationship coach. And beware of 'putative secrets, ' the ones you only think you are keeping. Chances are you are already busted.

　　沒(méi)有必要提及你對(duì)同事的愛(ài)慕。弗吉尼亞州麥克林(McLean)的注冊(cè)臨床社會(huì)工作者兼人際關(guān)系教練托尼-科爾曼(Toni Coleman)：“把腦子里想的事廣而告之絕不是好主意。”還要謹(jǐn)防“假定秘密”，也就是你以為自己保守住了的秘密。很可能其實(shí)你已經(jīng)被戳穿了。

　　The buffering method you choose will make a big difference: Active lying is more damaging than avoidance, research indicates.

　　你選擇的緩沖方法很重要：研究顯示，主動(dòng)說(shuō)謊比逃避更具破壞性。

　　A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in 2009 found 71% of people whose partners actively lied to them said it created distance. Among those whose partner kept a secret but didn't lie, only 43% said it created distance.

　　2009年在《社會(huì)與人際關(guān)系雜志》(Journal of Social and Personal Relationships)上發(fā)表的一篇研究論文指出，在伴侶主動(dòng)對(duì)其說(shuō)謊的人中，71%的人稱這樣做會(huì)產(chǎn)生距離感。而在伴侶保守秘密但不說(shuō)謊的人，只有43%的人說(shuō)這樣做會(huì)產(chǎn)生距離感。

　　'When people overtly lie about something, they can take something innocuous and make it into a bigger problem, ' says John Caughlin, the study's lead researcher and professor of communication at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. Experts say gender isn't a factor -- both men and women withhold information.

　　該項(xiàng)研究的首席研究員、伊利諾伊大學(xué)香檳分校(University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign)的傳播學(xué)教授約翰-考林(John Caughlin)說(shuō)：“當(dāng)人們公然對(duì)某件事撒謊時(shí)，他們會(huì)將原本并不嚴(yán)重的事情變成一個(gè)大問(wèn)題。”專家稱，性別不是決定因素──男性和女性都會(huì)隱瞞信息。

　　Gerald Mills, 67, a retired manufacturing-plant manager, has had his share of secrets over the years. He has hidden new hunting and fishing equipment in his truck and gone out for a drink with friends instead of doing errands. Once when his wife was away, he took their young sons out for a lobster dinner and swore them to secrecy. No need to guess how he got caught.

　　67歲的杰拉爾德-米爾斯退休前是一家制造工廠的經(jīng)理，他多年來(lái)一直保守著他的秘密。他在卡車?yán)锊刂沦I的打獵和釣魚(yú)用具，出門是和朋友喝酒而不是去辦雜事。一次趁妻子外出，他帶著年幼的兒子們?nèi)コ札埼r大餐，還讓他們發(fā)誓保守秘密。不用猜，他被逮住了。

　　Ms. Mills, who went on to write a book about her marriage, 'I Almost Divorced My Husband, But I Went on Strike Instead, ' says she never doubted her decision to keep the long-ago meeting a secret. (The ex-boyfriend was relieved to hear his mother's wishes; he thought she wanted him to keep the business going.) After the ex died about a year ago, Ms. Mills finally told her husband. 'At the time, I would have been angry and thought she was cheating on me and it would have derailed the marriage, ' Mr. Mills says. Instead, 'we went to bed happy.'

　　謝莉后來(lái)寫了一本關(guān)于她的婚姻的書(shū)，名為《我?guī)缀鹾臀艺煞螂x婚，但最后我罷工了》(I Almost Divorced My Husband, But I Went on Strike Instead)。她說(shuō)，她從未質(zhì)疑過(guò)自己對(duì)很久以前與前男友見(jiàn)面的事守口如瓶的決定。(她的前男友聽(tīng)到他母親的愿望時(shí)松了一口氣，他以為母親希望他把生意做下去。)謝莉的前男友大約一年前去世后，她最終把這事兒告訴了她丈夫。杰拉爾德說(shuō)：“當(dāng)時(shí)，我以為自己會(huì)生氣，認(rèn)為她欺騙我，這會(huì)毀掉我們的婚姻。”但事實(shí)卻是相反的，“我們高高興興地上床睡覺(jué)去了”。