道德教育的從事者是父母或?qū)W校英語學(xué)習(xí)
道德教育的從事者是父母或?qū)W校英語學(xué)習(xí)
編者按：英語寫作基本功不是很扎實(shí)，沒有中心句，后面太長的話來描述父母如何影響孩子，不但沒有解釋還沒有舉例，父母或?qū)W校話題是英語寫作的毛病。
1. 可以看出你雅思寫法的基礎(chǔ)不是很好，應(yīng)該還沒有接受過專業(yè)性的訓(xùn)練。還不知道雅思寫作的側(cè)重點(diǎn)和套路。第一段是introduction， 第一句需要些背景(background)顯然這個(gè)題目是關(guān)于道德教育(moral education)所以顯而易見，背景句是關(guān)于學(xué)校父母誰更應(yīng)該從事道德教育的討論，而不是像你那樣一開始就寫學(xué)校應(yīng)該干什么。
修改后：
In terms of the issue that which of schooling and parenting should undertake the responsibility of moral education more. As a vital place for academic education, school is naturally considered to teach basic principles. Nevertheless, others deem this should be done by parents. Personally, I bias towards parenting.
1. 你的主體段(main body)的第一句話是你整段的中心句，這也是我之前強(qiáng)調(diào)很多次的，記住中心句的幾個(gè)特點(diǎn)：陳述句、一句話、概括性。我參照你原文的意思寫的中心句(top sentence)：Empirically, schools are only responsible for helping students achieve acadmic goals rather than considering interpersonal skills.
2. 不要在除了introduction和conclusion的段落里出現(xiàn)太多的第一人稱和第二人稱。
3. 套句過多，用句簡單。
4. 一般在寫完中心句后，需要解釋加舉例，或者兩個(gè)小觀點(diǎn)來佐證你的中心句，這樣才能邏輯清晰完整。你看看你的原文，一直在bb學(xué)校該怎樣，根本沒有寫出學(xué)校不能提供道德教育的理由，或者說，你只寫了一個(gè)理由：學(xué)校應(yīng)該只教理論知識(shí)。我的范文里為你提供了兩個(gè)理由：
1) 人們需要從學(xué)校學(xué)習(xí)專業(yè)知識(shí)來回報(bào)社會(huì)
2) 每個(gè)學(xué)生的背景經(jīng)歷不同不同，學(xué)校很難從事道德教育。
修改后：
Empirically, schools are only responsible for helping students achieve academic goals rather than considering interpersonal skills. That is to say, schools need shoulder the task of knowledge instruction solely, which cultivates students and makes them be the one who has professional skills to devote to society. In addition, the diversity of students and different backgrounds bring about difficulties to schooling to provide moral education, implying that much attention is needed extra other than normal instruction for teachers, this may cause teachers work under high pressure and decline the efficiency of daily teaching.
作者| Lynn
公眾號(hào)： 雅思寫作王
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