避免談話地雷的技巧

　　導(dǎo)語(yǔ)：中國(guó)人說(shuō) “世事洞明皆學(xué)問(wèn)，人情練達(dá)即文章”，其實(shí)老外也不都是口無(wú)遮攔，到處捅婁子的直腸子。雖然中國(guó)人是天生的“打太極”高手，給人的感覺(jué)總是太過(guò)于圓滑，那么，在人際交往中我們卻也可以借鑒一下老外一些恰到好處的說(shuō)話藝術(shù)。下面就是Kristyn Kusek Lewis提出的18 Common Phrases to Avoid in Conversation(談話中應(yīng)該避免的18句套話)，看看其中是不是有好多句是你常常脫口而出的呢?

　　一、外表篇

　　Don’t say:“You look tired.”

　　Why:It implies she doesn’t look good.

　　Instead say:“Is everything OK?” We often blurt the “tired” comment when we get the sense that the other person feels out of sorts. So just ask.

　　不要說(shuō)：“你看起來(lái)很累。”

　　因?yàn)椋哼@意味著她看起來(lái)很糟。

　　換句話：“一切都還好吧?”一般來(lái)說(shuō)我們會(huì)脫口而出說(shuō)人“累”是因?yàn)槲覀冇X(jué)得他們可能不舒服，所以直接問(wèn)好了。

　　Don’t say:“Wow, you’ve lost a ton of weight!”

　　Why:To a newly trim person, it might give the impression that she used to look unattractive.

　　Instead say:“You look fantastic.” And leave it at that. If you’re curious about how she got so svelte, add, “What’s your secret?”

　　不要說(shuō)：“哇，你瘦了好多哦!”

　　因?yàn)椋簩?duì)一個(gè)剛剛減肥成功的人來(lái)說(shuō)，這可能會(huì)讓對(duì)方覺(jué)得之前自己很不好看。

　　換句話：“你看起來(lái)棒極了!”這就夠了。要是你很想知道她是怎么變得這么苗條的，就加一句“你有什么秘訣嗎?”

　　Don’t say:“You look good for your age.”

　　Why:Anything with a caveat like this is rude. It's saying, "You look great―compared with other old people. It's amazing you have all your own teeth."

　　Instead say:“You look great.”

　　不要說(shuō)：“以這個(gè)年紀(jì)來(lái)說(shuō)，你看起來(lái)好極了。”

　　因?yàn)椋喝魏斡羞@樣潛臺(tái)詞的話都很不禮貌。這好像在說(shuō)：“你看起來(lái)好極了——跟別的老人比。那你的牙還沒(méi)掉實(shí)在是太讓人吃驚了。”

　　換句話：“你看起來(lái)好極了。”

　　Don’t say:“I could never wear that.”

　　Why:It can be misunderstood as a criticism. (“I could never wear that because it’s so ugly.”)

　　Instead say:“You look so good in skinny jeans.” If you slip, say something like “I could never wear that…because I wasn’t blessed with your long legs.”

　　不要說(shuō)：“我可穿不了這樣的。”

　　因?yàn)椋哼@樣的話可能會(huì)讓人以為你在批評(píng)她。(“我可穿不了這樣的，實(shí)在是太丑了。”)

　　換句話：“你穿這種瘦腿牛仔褲太好看了。”要是你已經(jīng)脫口而出了，馬上補(bǔ)句：“我可穿不了這樣的……我可沒(méi)有像你這樣的長(zhǎng)腿。”

　　Expert:Clinton Kelly, cohost of the TLC show, What Not to Wear.

　　專家：Clinton Kelly，TLC電視臺(tái)節(jié)目《不該穿的》主持人。

　　二、職場(chǎng)篇：

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　　Don’t say:“That’s not my job.”

　　Why:If your superior asks you to do something, it is your job.

　　Instead say:“I’m not sure that should be my priority right now.” Then have a conversation with your boss about your responsibilities.

　　不要說(shuō)：“這不歸我管。”

　　因?yàn)椋阂悄愕纳纤咀屇愀墒裁矗@就是你的工作了。

　　換句話：“現(xiàn)在我不知道自己的首要任務(wù)是什么。”然后開(kāi)始跟你的老板討論一下自己手上的活。

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　　Don’t say:“This might sound stupid, but…”

　　Why:Never undermine your ideas by prefacing your remarks with wishy-washy language.

　　Instead say:What’s on your mind. It reinforces your credibility to present your ideas with confidence.

　　不要說(shuō)：“這個(gè)主意可能很蠢，不過(guò)……”

　　因?yàn)椋河肋h(yuǎn)不要用這種猶豫不決的話讓自己的點(diǎn)子看起來(lái)不值一提。

　　換句話：直接說(shuō)出自己心中所想。信心十足地提出自己的想法能讓你顯得更有能力。

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　　Don’t say:“I don’t have time to talk to you.”

　　Why:It’s plain rude, in person or on the phone.

　　Instead say:“I’m just finishing something up right now. Can I come by when I’m done?” Graciously explain why you can’t talk now, and suggest catching up at an appointed time later. Let phone calls go to voice mail until you can give callers your undivided attention.

　　不要說(shuō)：“我沒(méi)時(shí)間跟你聊天。”

　　因?yàn)椋哼@太不禮貌了，不管是面對(duì)面還是電話里。

　　換句話：“我手頭還有點(diǎn)事，做完了就過(guò)去找你怎么樣?”禮貌地解釋為什么現(xiàn)在不能說(shuō)話，并建議晚些時(shí)候再聊。要是暫時(shí)沒(méi)時(shí)間，就不要接電話，讓對(duì)方直接去語(yǔ)音信箱留言即可。

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　　Expert:Suzanne Bates, president and chief executive officer of Bates Communications, an executive-training firm in Wellesley, Massachusetts, and author ofSpeak Like a CEO(McGraw-Hill, ,amazon.com).

　　專家：Suzanne Bates,Bates溝通(一家位于馬薩諸塞州的高層培訓(xùn)公司)總裁、CEO，著有《CEO的說(shuō)話之道》一書(shū)。

　　三、面試篇：

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　　Don’t say:“My current boss is horrendous.”

　　Why:It’s unprofessional. Your interviewer might wonder when you’d start bad-mouthing her. For all you know, she and your current boss are old pals.

　　Instead say:“I’m ready for a new challenge” or a similarly positive remark.

　　不要說(shuō)： “我現(xiàn)在的老板糟糕透頂。”

　　因?yàn)椋?這樣說(shuō)很不專業(yè)。你的面試官可能會(huì)覺(jué)得今后你也會(huì)說(shuō)他的壞話。從你的角度看，他們都是一國(guó)的。

　　換句話：“我覺(jué)得自己已經(jīng)準(zhǔn)備好接受新挑戰(zhàn)了。”或者類似的正面理由。

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　　Don’t say:“Do you think I’d fit in here?”

　　Why:You’re the interviewee, not the interviewer.

　　Instead say:“What do you enjoy about working here?” By all means ask questions, but prepare ones that demonstrate your genuine interest in the company.

　　不要說(shuō)： “你覺(jué)得我會(huì)適合這個(gè)環(huán)境嗎?”

　　因?yàn)椋?是你在被面試，不是面試官。

　　換句話： “你個(gè)人覺(jué)得這個(gè)工作環(huán)境最好的是什么部分?”面試中你也可以提問(wèn)，但最好提些能說(shuō)明你對(duì)該公司非常感興趣的問(wèn)題。

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　　Don’t say:“What are the hours like?” or “What’s the vacation policy?”

　　Why:You want to be seen as someone who focuses on getting the job done.

　　Instead say:“What’s the day-to-day like here?” Then, if you’ve really jumped through every hoop and time off still hasn’t been mentioned, say, “Can you tell me about the compensation and benefits package?”

　　不要說(shuō)： “工作時(shí)間怎么樣?”或者“假期是怎么安排的?”

　　因?yàn)椋?你應(yīng)該表現(xiàn)出自己可以專心工作的樣子。

　　換句話： “日常工作環(huán)境是什么樣的?”然后，你就可以得知該公司的工作環(huán)境了，要是對(duì)方?jīng)]提到休假的問(wèn)題，可以說(shuō)“請(qǐng)問(wèn)公司的獎(jiǎng)懲以及福利制度是怎么樣的?”

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　　Expert:Mary Mitchell, president of the Mitchell Organization, a corporate-etiquette training firm in Seattle, and author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Etiquette (Alpha, ,amazon.com).

　　專家：Mary Mitchell，西雅圖公司禮儀培訓(xùn)公司Mitchell公司的總裁，也是《禮儀指南》一書(shū)的作者。

　　四、孕嬰篇：

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　　Don’t say:“Are you pregnant?”

　　Why:You ask, she’s not, and you feel totally embarrassed for essentially pointing out that she’s overweight.

　　Instead say:“Hello” or “Great to see you” or “You look great.” Anything besides “Are you pregnant?” or “What’s the due date?” will do. Save yourself the humiliation and never ask.

　　不要說(shuō)： “你懷孕了嗎?”

　　因?yàn)椋?要是你問(wèn)了，可她并沒(méi)懷，那就實(shí)在是太尷尬了，這不就是在說(shuō)她太胖了嗎?

　　換句話： “你好啊”或“見(jiàn)到你太好了”或“你看起來(lái)好極了。”總之不要問(wèn)“你懷孕了嗎?”或者“預(yù)產(chǎn)期幾號(hào)?”就行了。為免尷尬還是不要問(wèn)這種問(wèn)題吧。

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　　Don’t say:“Do you plan on breast-feeding?”

　　Why:The issue can be controversial, and she may not want to discuss her decision publicly.

　　Instead say:Nothing. Unless you’re very close, don’t ask. If you slip, make up for the blunder by adding, “And do you feel comfortable telling me?”

　　不要說(shuō)： “你打算喂母乳嗎?”

　　因?yàn)椋?這種問(wèn)題有點(diǎn)復(fù)雜，可能引發(fā)爭(zhēng)論，也有可能她會(huì)不想在大庭廣眾討論這些。

　　換句話： 什么都別問(wèn)。除非你倆特別親近，否則就什么都別問(wèn)。要是不小心問(wèn)出了口，就補(bǔ)上一句：“跟我談這個(gè)不尷尬吧?”

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　　Don’t say:“Were your twins natural?” or “It must have been hard for your child’s birth parent to give him up.”

　　Why:You’re suggesting that natural conception is better than in vitro fertilization (IVF) or adoption.

　　Instead say:To a parent of multiples, try a light “Wow, you have your hands full!” To an adoptive parent, say the same stuff you would to any other parent: “She’s adorable!” or “How old is he?”

　　不要說(shuō)： “你的雙胞胎是自然受孕的嗎?”或者“你寶寶的生身父母放棄他肯定特別難受。”

　　因?yàn)椋?這么說(shuō)感覺(jué)好像自然受孕就比人工授精或者領(lǐng)養(yǎng)更好。

　　換句話： 對(duì)多胞胎的父母，可以輕松地說(shuō)：“哇，這么多肯定累死你了。”對(duì)收養(yǎng)的父母，說(shuō)你對(duì)普通父母會(huì)說(shuō)的話就行了，比如“她真可愛(ài)。”或者“他多大了?”

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　　Expert:Kim Hahn, founder and chief executive officer of Conceive magazine.

　　專家：Kim Hahn，《孕期》雜志創(chuàng)始人及CEO。

　　五、剩女篇：

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　　Don’t say:“You were too good for him.”

　　Why:You are basically saying she has bad taste. And you’ll be embarrassed if they ever patch it up.

　　Instead say:“His loss!” It gets the same point across without disparaging her judgment.

　　不要說(shuō)： “他配不上你。”

　　因?yàn)椋?這么說(shuō)就意味著你覺(jué)得她的品味很差。要是他倆又復(fù)合了，你就丟臉了。

　　換句話：“這是他的損失。”這句話的效果是一樣的，但又沒(méi)有鄙視她的選擇的意思。

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　　Don’t say:“I’m glad you got rid of him. I never liked him anyway.”

　　Why:She’ll wonder about your fake adoration for him while they were together.

　　Instead say:“I’m confident you’ll find someone who will give you exactly what you want.” It focuses on what’s to come, not on the dud you’re glad she’s done with.

　　不要說(shuō)： “你能甩了他我太高興了。我本來(lái)就不喜歡他。”

　　因?yàn)椋?她會(huì)覺(jué)得之前他倆還在一起時(shí)你的善意很虛偽。

　　換句話： “你肯定能找到一個(gè)完全符合你要求的男人。”這句話的重點(diǎn)是未來(lái)，而且很支持她這樣做。

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　　Don’t say:“How could someone as perfect as you still be single?”

　　Why:A statement like this comes off as a backhanded compliment. What she hears is “What’s wrong with you?”

　　Instead say:“Seeing anyone?” If she’s tight-lipped about her love life, move on to other topics.

　　不要說(shuō)： “你條件這么好，怎么還會(huì)單身啊?”

　　因?yàn)椋?像這樣的贊美聽(tīng)起來(lái)有點(diǎn)諷刺的感覺(jué)。她可能會(huì)聽(tīng)成“你到底有什么問(wèn)題?”

　　換句話： “最近有目標(biāo)嗎?”要是她對(duì)感情生活諱莫如深，就談別的吧。

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　　Expert:Bethany Marshall, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in Beverly Hills and the author of Deal Breakers: When to Work On a Relationship and When to Walk Away(Simon Spotlight Entertainment, ,amazon.com).

　　專家：Bethany Marshall博士，比福利山地區(qū)的心理理療師，著有《忍無(wú)可忍：何時(shí)修補(bǔ)裂痕，何時(shí)慧劍斬情》。

　　六、內(nèi)部戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)篇：

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　　Don’t say:“You always” or “You never” or “You’re a [slob, jerk]” or “You’re wrong.”

　　Why:Speaking in absolutes like “you always” and “you’re wrong” is playing the blame game, and resorting to name calling makes your partner feel helpless, which puts him on the defensive and makes a bad fight worse.

　　Instead say:“I’m upset that you left the dishes in the sink again. What can we do so that this stops happening?” Starting with the pronoun I puts the focus on how you feel, not why he’s in the doghouse, and it will make him more receptive to fixing the problem.

　　不要說(shuō)： “你總是……”“你從來(lái)都不會(huì)……”“你這個(gè)[沒(méi)出息的，混蛋……]”或者“你就是錯(cuò)了。”

　　因?yàn)椋?斬釘截鐵地說(shuō)“你總是”或者“你就是錯(cuò)了”這樣的話是在說(shuō)他都是錯(cuò)而你都是對(duì)，而惡語(yǔ)相向則會(huì)讓對(duì)方覺(jué)得非常無(wú)助，他會(huì)馬上轉(zhuǎn)為自我防御，這會(huì)讓一場(chǎng)已經(jīng)很糟的爭(zhēng)吵更加糟糕。

　　換句話： “我不高興是因?yàn)槟阌职雅K盤(pán)子放水池不管了。到底怎么樣才能讓你改了這個(gè)壞毛病呢?”用“我”字開(kāi)始，將重點(diǎn)放在你自己的感受上，而不是為了讓他丟臉，這樣他會(huì)更加愿意接受意見(jiàn)，解決問(wèn)題。

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　　Don’t say:“If you really loved me, you would...”

　　Why:The more you treat your partner as if he’ll never satisfy you, the less satisfied you’ll be. Controlling your partner by imploring him to do something isn’t a good way to build intimacy.

　　Instead say:“I feel taken for granted when you don’t help around the house. I would feel better if we could…” The best way to keep a productive fight from becoming a dirty one is to be clear about why you’re upset and then offer a solution.

　　不要說(shuō)： “要是你真的愛(ài)我，你就該……”

　　因?yàn)椋?你越表現(xiàn)地好像他永遠(yuǎn)不能滿足你，你就越不可能被滿足。用威脅哀求讓對(duì)方做你想讓他做的，這種控制對(duì)方的方法并不能鞏固兩人的親密關(guān)系。

　　換句話： “你不幫忙家務(wù)這讓我覺(jué)得很不被重視。要是我們能……我就會(huì)好受多了。”要想保證爭(zhēng)執(zhí)是有建設(shè)性的而不是一團(tuán)糟，最好的辦法是直截了當(dāng)?shù)卣f(shuō)明你為什么不高興，然后提供一個(gè)解決方案。

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　　Expert:Terrence Real, a family therapist in Newton, Massachusetts.

　　專家：Terrence Real，麻省家庭咨詢師。